Thursday, May 5, 2011

Vote For The Best Introduction

These are two introductions that are for my holiday highlight writing. But I don't know which one to use. My first introduction gets straight in to some action, my second one is my thoughts and what I felt. Which one hooks you in more? Please comment and vote below.

I screamed louder and louder as we started spinning faster and going up and down more and more. I was having an awesome time at the Easter show, even though it was raining, with my Aunties, my brother,Isara and my sister,Tinei.

All sorts of exciting thoughts were racing through my head as we arrived. I had been to the Easter show once before, with my Mum , and could still remember some things, like the awesome rides and the stinky farm animals, so I couldn’t wait to get in there again.


  1. I vote for the first paragraph. I think that it has a kind of energy which hooked me in a way the second one didn't :)

    Mrs Bur

  2. Hi Tia - I vote for the first one. I love the way it plunges me straight in to the action - it's definitely the one I would choose. I can see you are getting a handle on the use of commas too, nice work!
    I still think the second sentence could be tweaked a little though. :-)

    Keep up the great writing, I can't wait to read more.

  3. Hi Litia,
    I vote for the first introduction because it hooks me in straight away but not like the other one.